maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
