I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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