the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
