Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
