matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
