dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
