do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
