I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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