He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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