when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
