if you like me you must not know who I am
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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