his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
we're so committed to being not committed
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
