I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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