i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
accomplished twins. life is a go
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
