too bad you live with your parents still
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
