I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
