I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hippo gnu deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize