i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
