If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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