After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
