why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
