I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
