drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
