TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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