you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I wish there were birth control emojis
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
