I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
