I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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