at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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