I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
