My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Randomize
