Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
