We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
