My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
