She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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