PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
