I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
