My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
