I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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