life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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