So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
