Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
