Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
