He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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