So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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