I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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