just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
