highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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