I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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