Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
