well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
id be glad to
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
