God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
