Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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