last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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