Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
