Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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